Know thyself, know thy enemy, help them see you as their friend

Alternate title: How being a Dad helped me discover the nature of personal strength, the importance of patience and the power of listening as a security professional.

Its been a long time since I had a chance to sit down for 30 minutes or so. Being a Dad with two toddlers under 3 doesn't leave a lot of quiet time.  The good news is this has helped me reflect on how to get today's point across as I've had plenty of recent experiences at home to draw from.

These experiences dealing with growing pains, budding emotions and language and straight up “Attitudes” (capital A intended) from my son and daughter over the past 3 years have taught me a lot about how I can work better with adults. So I think drawing an analogy between dealing with kids at various stages of growth is appropriate for describing the attitudes, feelings and techniques that you might encounter in the person across the table or experience yourself when you are negotiating for change.

One point before I begin. Since there is some risk that somebody might be offended or misunderstand the analogy, let me make something clear for the record. It is my sincerest hope that no one will think I mean to literally characterize people as immature or baby-like. I am not drawing a direct correlation, only making an analogy to help us reflect on similarities in how we experience certain moments. If you get the impression that you may have been the inspiration for a particular thought, I'd refer you to the disclaimer and the “similarity to any persons...is all in your head” bit.  Since there are very few truly unique personalities in the corporate world, to think you are the one person I ever met who approaches a situation like I describe below is egotistical and you are being self-indulgent.  Sherlock Holmes would have had an easy time with us.   In the spirit of seeking the opportunity however, if you think I might be talking about you, maybe others may talk about you that way or you may be subconsciously saying it to yourself. So it might be a good idea to spend a few extra cycles thinking about why you or they might think that to figure out if that's really who you are or want to be.  Then come back to the table one way or the other.  We need to get past that and get back to work figuring out how to get the job done.

And now, back to the show already in progress...

I only need a few examples to cover the most likely responses you'll see when you negotiate for change. Let's start from the worst reaction and work up to the result that feels like you're fully in sync with your child's (or teammates) and your own needs and sharing one of those moments of pure bliss that make all the trouble worth it.

• Temper tantrum – This is the worst. Just yesterday my son drank his first whole Coke. I knew things were going to get bad so I gave my emotions a rest and patiently waited for the cycle to end so he'd crash on the couch. Before it ended though there was a moment of pure hell at the store where he was  laying on the floor screaming at the top of his lungs and nearly kicking over the displays while many people looked on. I could have thought about how everyone was looking at me like I was a bad father. I could have yelled to get above his screams to try to calm him down or control him. I could have hit him if I wanted to go to jail. But I knew it was the way the chips would fall given the circumstances. So I relaxed, picked him up and carried him over my shoulder and my daughter under my arm out to the car and took them home to wait out the rest.  

• “No!” – Ever heard a one year old say “No!” when you ask them nicely to do something? You sit there wondering if you got their attention the right way and if you asked in the words they'd understand and with the right carrot to encourage them. You wonder where they learned whatever they learned that made them feel enough self-confidence to say no. You wonder if maybe they're just trying it on to see what you'll do. Many things go through your head and most of them point at you doing something wrong because how could it be their fault if they didn't understand? I'm just glad I'm past the point where a "No" surprises me so I can be patient, realize it isn't all my fault and just keep trying to get the message across so they understand why I'm asking for whatever I'm asking from them.  

• “But I don't want to go to bed! (waaaahhh!!!)” – The one reaction that I have the most trouble with is crying, whining and complaining because I've asked my son or daughter to eat their vegetables or told them it is time to go back home from the park because it is dark out and the mosquitoes are biting. It is hard to get past this one. They make it all too clear that they are hurting because of the change I have forced on them and it is my fault that their life sucks. But sometimes we have to do what we have to do to help them understand the right thing to do.  So I know just to be strong, keep letting them know it will get better and trudge on through.  

• “Do you want time out?” “Yes” – Ever had that moment where you realize your child has figured out what makes you tick and knows how to play you to get what they want? The most valuable lesson I've learned from these experiences is that I have to be consistent, stick to my message, be clear, accurate and most of all honest and don't throw a temper tantrum. If I let them see any anger or frustration then they know they have figured me out and will never stop playing that card.

• The last reaction can't possibly be associated with a single phrase as it is the peaceful, fun, shared period of time where everyone is doing what they enjoy, everyone is growing.   The kids have realized that you are only wanting the best, are giving them everything they need and are eager to share their happiness in appreciation for who you are and what you're doing for them and the family.   These are the moments that make it all worth it.

The well read among you may have noticed the similarity of the moments to the 5 stages of death. It makes more than a little sense once you recognize the effects that change has on people.  Let's break it down further though.  Negotiation is about achieving a goal. If the goal of your negotiation means change—and ours as parents and risk jugglers always does—, the process of winning the negotiation is, in several ways, like traveling the rocky path to death. The changing person or persons have to adapt to the event and be ready to let go of ways they've enjoyed being. The change will impact them as heavily or as lightly as their past experience and their circumstances allow. If you are successful, the whole experience from the start of negotiation to the finish requires a transition or transcendence from one state of being to a different way of being for them and maybe even for yourself.

Like parents, we as security, audit and risk professionals are doing our best when we help make the experience of transition from less to more security as easy a change as possible. What it takes is preparing ourselves and them for the critical moment of the transition, recognizing their reactions along the way, being prepared with the right answer when opportunities for discussion arise in each stage and being committed to walk patiently beside them through the experience so they don't feel lost, scared and alone in the face of the adventure any longer than necessary.